


WOMAN'S RIGHTS, 



A STRICTLY 



OEIGINAL COMEDY 



THREE ACTS, 



BY 
OF THE BALTIMORE BAR. 



BALTIMORE; 

1882. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1882, by Sylvan Dkey. 



WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 



A STRICTLY 



ORIGINAL COMEDY 



THREE ACTS, 



s"Z"Xj"V"^it x3e-:b"Z' 



OF THE BALTIMORE BAR. 



' 



■.-^'•i:. 




BALTIMORE: 

1882. 






Copyrighted 1882. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



Miss Mat^y Tat^krr, President of the Massachusetts Woman's Rights 

Association and an Attorney-at-law. 
Mr. Alexander Alonzo Blunderbuss Sheepiiead, a Senator opposed 

to Woiuiin's Rights and an Attorney-at-law. 
Miss Roscoana Conkling, a Political Aspirant. 
Miss Hamiltonia Bliss, a Medical Aspirant. 
Miss Benjina Butler, a Legal Aspirant. 
Mr. Frank Adams, ) 

Mr. Samuel WASiirNGTON, >• Woman's Rights Commission. 
Mr. Geouge H()L15Rook, ) 

Mr. John Quincy Brown, President of the Massachusetts Senate. 

Mrs. Stai{r Morose, a Much-troubled Mother. 

Miss May JIorose, a Faithless Sweetheart. 

Dr. Samuel Brosius. 

Mr. Robekt Green, a Foppish Law Student. 

ES SS.'^I?^., [ ^^^^-^^ '^ ^I'- Talker's Law Office. 

Members of the Woman's Rights Association, of Senate, etc. 



Act L— Convention of the Massacliusetts Woman's Rights Association. 
(Several months elapse between Act I and Act II.) 
Act II. — Interior V;ew of Miss Mary Talker's Law Office. 
Act III. — Legal Consultation at Mrs. Starr Morose's House. 



WOMAN'S RIGHTS 



A COMEDY. 



ACT I. 



Scene. — Interior vieio of the Gipitol at Boston, Mass., representing the hall 
in which the mimbers of the Massachusetts State Legislature convene. 

In the rear of the hall is a stand, resembling an altar, and behind the same is 
a large arm-chair resting on a raised platform, occupied by the President of the 
Massachusetts Woman's Rights Association. Two rows of chairs, ticenty-five 
in each row, arranged in a semicircle, are occupied by fifty women, all of whom 
wear dark-b'.ue goggles. Fimofthem are supposed to be from 18 to 22 years of 
age ; the rest from 30 to 60 years of age. To the left of the President are three 
vacant chairs, subsequently to be occupied by the Woman's Rights Oommission. The 
hall is otherwise suitably furnished. When the curtain rises, the President calls 
the meeting to order. 

Miss Mary Talker [spiritedly]. My patient, much-abused, down- 
trodden and enthralled sisters [.striking the table violently with her hand] , 
we have convened here this evening to discharge a solemn duty which 
we owe not only to ourselves, but to all posterity. The notorious 
manner in which the obvious rights of women have been trampled upon 
has at last called forth your righteous indignation, and scattered seeds 
of discontent in every household in this broad land. " Woman's 
Rights " is the burning question of the day — the all-absorbing topic of 
the hour. Indeed, I firmly believe that it is destined to become a party 
issue in national politics. [A short jmuse.] My sisters, it is for you to 
determine how long you propose to submit to the tyrannical domination 
of your incommensurably selfish husbands. No doubt, if this question 
were put to any one of the myriads of society girls who are annually 
thrown upon the matrimonial market, they would answer with incre- 
dible unanimity, " We will submit to the tyrannical domination of a hus- 
band so long as we can procure one." Ah! [sighing]., my sisters, it 
cuts me to the very quick to think that woman has fallen so low. It 
was not always thus. [Triumphantly] — There was a time when man 
sought woman. [Despondently] — But alas! alas! that was long ago, in 
the days of Adam, before woman was born. Strange indeed is the 
fatality, that it should rest upon the women of the nineteenth century 
to call into life the unborn virtue of pre- Adamite woman ! But we 
must accept the inevitable. Let us revolt, en masse, against the present 
regime of husbands. If the " boss system " should not be tolerated in 
the management of political campaigns, why should it prevail in the 
regulation of domestic affairs? I need hardly stop to detail the sufler- 
ings of married women. Most of you have experienced the tyranny 
of a husband; the rest will not be slow to embrace an opportunity 
when it presents itself. In passing, however, let me warn the younger 



6 

nicmbors of this Convention (thou2:1i I confess tlioy do not form a very 
formidable number) to beware of tlie fatal institution of marria.ije. It 
takes but a very few years to change the veritable sugar of cooing times 
into the sourest vinegar ever manufactured. In my case this chemical 
operation was performed in so short a space that I did not even have 
time to change my maiden name. History repeats itself; the cause of 
my divorce and the cause of the Il('pul)lican defeat in Ohio last fall 
are identical — it was prohil)ition. Pardon the digression ; but when I 
was engaged to be mnrried I made my ex-husband promise that he 
would abstain entirely from drinking any spirituous liquors whatever. 
About ten days after our marriage lie brought home a bottle of whiskey. 
As he entered the front-door he accidentally let the bottle fall ; the odor 
ascended rapidly (fu- all good things ascend) until it reached the third 
story, where / liaiipened to be at the time. As quickly as the odor 
ascended, so quickly did I descend ; upon finding my ex-husband 
trembling from head to foot with a broken bottle in liis hand, 1 forth- 
with dismissed him. Believe me that such violent measures as these 
(especially when the wife is the daughter of a millionaire) are calcu- 
lated to do more good to the cause of temperance than ten thousand 
"Salvation Armies." 

But to revert to our subject — we have for a long time been shut out 
from all tlie lucrative pursuits of life. The right to practice medicine 
has long been denied us, and this too in face of the fact that out 
of all the numerous male doctors in existence, there is not one who 
could not counnaud enormous commissions as an agent for an ambitious 
grave-digger. AVe dare not become lawyers, yet there are thousands of 
men who have been admitted to the bar who should be behind the bars. 
We dare not become judges, yet there are hundreds of men Avho sit on 
the bench who should be in the cell. Only recently I heard a political 
demagogue say that women were not qualilied to occupy seats in Con- 
gress, because they are not sutiiciently versed in the corrupt practices 
necessary to constitute a good Congressman. My sisters, I need hardly 
say tliat these objections are utterly absurd. No one enters the 
political arena now-a-days, who does not soon acquire that proficiency 
in the art of corruption which seems indispensably requisite to a pure 
politician. Here, as everywhere, "Experience is the best teacher." 
Look at the career of the Republican party! We need not, therefore, 
attempt to refute such specious arguments. It is not by idle words, 
but b}' immediate action, that we can hope to remove the disabilities 
under which wc are laboring. We must worry our husbands in private 
life— that is those of us who are fortunate enough to possess any — and 
we must tantalize them in public till they accede to our demands. [A 
sJiort pause.^ At the request of some of our members I have sent a 
petition to the Massachusetts Legislature, whose President has so 
kindly loaned us the use of this hall, setting forth our views upon the 
subject of Woman's Bights. The Secretary of State writes as follows 
concerning the fate of the petition [takes out ajjaper and 7'eads] : 

To Miss Mary Talker and others : 

The follo'icing resolution was passed last Saturday, in reference to your petition, 
by both li/mses of t/ie General Assembly : Wukkkas, The women of this State 
have petitioned this Assembly to remove the disabilities undrr which they are at 
present laboriny. He it Rksolved, Tliat a committee of three be appointed, to 
be known as thf, " Womnn's Rights Commission, ^^ whose duty it shall be to examine 
a number of the members of the ^^Massachusetts Wo7han\^ Riyhts Association,^^ in 



politics, law, medicine, etc., in order to determine wlietJier or not the proposed 

cJiange in the law regulating the rights of women is feasible. All applicants 

must he ready for examination to-night, as tlie Legislature adjourns in two weeks. 

Tours respectfully, 

Secretary of State. 

My sisters, the Commission waits without, and before inviting them 
in, it will be necessary' to ascertain who of you are willing to stand the 
examination which the Commission proposes to hold. 

Miss Roscoana Conkling {arising'\. My name is Roscoana Conkling. 
I present myself for examination in the science of politics. \^Miss 
Mary Talker takes doion the names as each candidate announces her- 
self.] 

Miss Hamiltonia Bliss [arising]. My name is Hamiltonia Bliss. 1 
present myself for examination in the science of medicine. 

Miss Benjina Butler [arising']. My name is Benjina Butler. I pre- 
sent m3'self for examination in the science of law. 

Miss Talniadgina Beecher [arising]. My name is Talmadgina 
Beecher. I present myself for examination in theology. 

Mrs. Garretta Jewetta Vanderhilt [arising]. My name is Garretta 
Jewetta Vanderbilt. I offer myself for examination as a railroad 
president. 

Miss Jane Gould [arising]. My name is Jane Gould. I wish to be 
examined as a railroad and telegraph consolidator. 

Mrs. Angella Bergh [arising]. My name is Angella Bergh. I pre- 
sent myself f .r examination on such subjects as are essential to qualify 
me to hold the position of President of the '•'• Society for the Prevention 
of Crueltv to Animals." 

Miss Mary Talker. The sergeant-at-arms will please inform the 
Commission that we are ready to receive them. 

[The seir/eant-at-arms leaves room, immediately re-entering, folloiced by three 
gentlemen dressed like Senators. Each holds a large sheet of paj)er in his hand, 
containing the questions to be asked the candidates. They occupy the three vacant 
chairs next to the President, the Chairman of the Commission occupying the chair 
nearest the President] 

Miss Mary Talker [to the Chairman of the Commission]. Mr. Chair- 
man, the resolution passed by the General Assembly has been laid 
before our Association, and in pursuance of its provisions I herewith 
present to you a list of those who will stand the proposed examinations. 
[She hands him a paper containing the names of those loho are to be 
examined, and the subjects in ivhich they are to be examined.] 

Mr. Frank Adams [Chairman of the Commission]. Miss Roscoana 
Conkling : Politics. [Miss Conkling aiHses.] Miss Conkling, are 
politics a science or an art? 

Miss R. Conkling. Politics are neither an art nor a science, for a 
science teaches us how to know., an art how to do, while politics teaches 
how to take. 

Mr. Adams. What is the cardinal distinction between the Republi- 
cans and Democrats? 

Miss Conkling. The Republicans are in power ; the Democrats 
would like to be. 

Mr. Adams. What sort of political platform would you frame at a 
Democratic Convention ? 



8 

Miss Conkling. We recommend free education ; we denounce 
political assessments ; we favor civil service reform ; we condemn 
monopolies ; we demand a free ballot and a fair count. 

Mr. Adams. How would you alter this to suit a Republican Con- 
vention ? 

Miss Conkling. I would not alter it at all. 

Mr. Adams. Why do you malce no allusions to "Free Trade" and 
"Total Abstinence" in your platform? 

Miss Conkling. A shrewd political candidate never expresses an 
opinion on either "Free Trade" or " Proliibition." 

Mr. Adams. Wliat is the test of a good political platform? 

Miss Conkling. That it is vague enough to meet the views of all 
political parties. 

Mr. Adams. Do you believe in rotation in office or tenure for life ? 

Miss Conkling. That depends entirely upon circumstances. When 
I am an ofjiceliolder I believe in tenure for life ; when I am an office- 
seeker I believe in rotation in office. 

Mr. Adams. If you are elected as a United States Senator to repre- 
sent Massacliusetts, and the President refuses to consult you before 
making nominations to fill the vacant federal offices in Massachusetts, 
of what political oflence is he guilty? 

Miss Conkling. He ofl'ends against "Senatorial courtes}'." 

Mr. Adams. What is the remedy ? 

Miss Conkling. To resign and try to be re-elected. 

Mr, Adams. That will suffice. The next on the list is Miss Hamil- 
tonia Bliss : Medicine. [Miss Bliss arises.^ 

Mr. Samuel Wasliingto7i [the second member of tlie Commission]. 
State the fundamental principle upon which the science of medicine is 
based. 

Miss Bliss. Whenever a patient dies, death must be ascribed to the 
will of Providence ; whenever he is cured, the cure is the effect of the 
medicine. 

Mr. Washington. Can medicine be called a science? If so, why? 

Miss Bliss. It can. The test of a science is the absolute certainty 
that one thing invariably follows another. N'ow the fundamental prin- 
ciples of medicine will stand this test. We know, for example, that 
whenever a doctor pays you a visit, an expensive bill will always 
follow ; so scientific indeed is this principle, that even if he kills the 
patient the bill is nevertheless forthcoming. We also know that 
laudanum, arsenic, etc., will kill a patient when taken in sufficiently 
large doses ; that cucumbers will cause the cramps ; that when life is 
extinct, the patient is dead. The absolute certainty of these results 
makes medicine an exact science. 

Mr. Washington. When a physician does not know the nature of 
his patient's complaint, how should he conceal his ignorance? 

Miss Bliss. By telling the patient he is sufi'ering with malaria. 

Mr. Washington. To what other sciences is medicine closely al- 
lied ? 

Miss Bliss. To coffin-making and grave-digging. 

Mr. Washington. What is the real object of administering medicine 
to the sick? 

Miss Bliss. To keep the proprietors of apothecary stores alive. 

Mr. Washington. What is the essential ditierence between homoeo- 
pathic and allopathic treatment ? 



Miss BUss. Homoeopaths give small doses so that they can do no 
harm ; allopaths give large doses so that the patient may be led to 
suppose that the medicine does him some good. 

Mr. Washington. That will do. 

Mj'. Adams [arisinf/]. The next on the list is Miss Benjina Butler : 
Law. [He sits down again ; Miss Butler arises,^ 

Mr. George Holbrook [the third member of the Commission]. Define 
marriage. 

Miss Bntler. Marriage is an agreement made between a man and a 
woman, whereby tlie man, in consideration of a sufficient sum of money 
owned by the woman, allies himself to her. 

Mr. HoJhroolc. How does the law regard a married w^oman's will? 

Miss Butler. As a command, the disobedience of wiiich will cause 
her husband no little unhappiness. 

Mr. Holbrook. What is the general eflect of a wife's will upon her 
husband's })owers ? 

Miss Butler. The universal rule is that it reduces him to entire sub- 
mission. 

3Ir. Holbrook. To wiiat extent, at present, may married women 
contract ? 

Miss Bntler. They have unlimited power to contract for necessaries, 
but the authorities are all agreed that they cannot contract expenses. 

Mr. Holbrook. How can you prove a marriage ? 

Miss Butler. By the financial depression- of the imputed husband. 

Mr. Holbrook. Mention a good cause for divorce. 

Miss Butler. Marriage. 

Mr. Holbrook. That will do. 

Mr. Adams [arising]. Miss President and Ladies: As the hour at 
which the two houses meet here this evening to consider the report of 
the committee is fast approaching, we will be compelled to forego the 
pleasure of examining any more of the applicants whose names are 
affixed to this list. The very admirable manner in which the three 
young ladies just examined have acquitted themselves, amply justifies 
us in concluding that you are entitled to have your existing disabilities 
removed. I know I express the sentiments of this Commission when I 
assert that we are in duty bound to submit a report highly favorable to 
the cause of " Woman's Rights." If you will, therefore, grant us the 
use of this liall fur the rest of the evening, we may succeed in persuading 
the Legislature to enact such liivvs as may be necessary to insure your 
absolute equality with the male sex. I must not omit to say. Miss 
President, that the Legislature has authorized this Commission to invite 
you to address the General Assembly in behalf of your reform move- 
ment. Any other member of your Association who may so desire is 
likewise cordially invited to attend. 

Miss Talker [arising]. Mr. Chairman: I am sure this Association 
feels more than gratified at the praise which you have so kindly be- 
stowed upon its members. In return for your kindness we can only 
heartily thank you for your efforts in our behalf. In accordance with 
your request, — unless some of the members object — [she looks around 
the roo7n], I now declare this meeting adjourned. 

[The members of the Association disperse., the orchestra playing an 
appropriate air. After the lapse of a few moments, the vicmbers of the 
Massachusetts Legislature slowly enter from the opposite side; some of 



10 

them appear to he cnnversivg as they enter. The three vacant chairs near 
the Presidents chair arc to be occupied by Miss Mary Talker and tioo 
other members of the Woman^s Rights Association. When the members 
are all seated the music ceases, and the President calls the meeting to 
order] . 

Mr. John Quincy Brown [^President of the Massachusetts Senate], 
Gentlemen, as you are aware, we meet here this evening; to consider 
the feasil;ility of adopting such legislation as may he necessary to insure 
a pn^per recoirnition of woman's rights. The Committee appointed last 
week to investigate the matter have completed their labors, and will 
now give us the results of their investigations. 

Mr. Adams [arising]. Mi'. President: Your Committee appointed to 
test the justice of the claims set fortii by the Massachusetts Woman's 
Eights Association has been so pressed for time that they have not 
been able to submit to this Assembly a written report. This was hardly 
necessary, however, since they are all of tiie unanimous opinion that 
your honorable body ought to ])ass such laws as will secure to women 
the right to engage in any profession, occupation, etc., etc., which is 
now open to man. 

One of the members. I move the report be adopted. 

Another member. Second the motion. 

Mr. Broion. It has been moved and seconded that this report be 
adopted. The question is now open for debate. 

Mr. Alexander A. B. Sheejjliead [arising]. Mr. President and gen- 
tlemen : 1 am religiously, morally, intellectually, physically and 
bitterly opposed to this motion. The glowing report which has been 
submitted to this Assembly by the Woman's lligiits Commission is 
significant of the mighty intluences which female charms and graces can 
exert over susceptible men. Mr. President, I shall not mince my 
words. I boldly assert that the winsome smiles of fifty-one women, the 
bright lustre of one hundred and two eyes has had a telling etfect on the 
report of this Committee. In saying this, I do not wish to be under- 
stood as attaching any blame to tlie honorable gentlemen who consti- 
tute this Committee, for who could resist such irresistible infiuences? 
It was on this account, Mr. I'resident, that I opposed this scheme, 
from its very incipiency, as wholly impracticable. The report of the 
Committee is, therefore, no surprise to me, but I confess my disajipoint- 
ment at the hasty manner in which this Assembly is seeking to rush 
through this ill-considered project. Gentlemen, I beg of you to pause 
and reflect before taking so dangerous a step. llecoUect that you are 
the representatives of men. llecollect that you owe the lucrative posi- 
tions w'hicli you occupy to Republican votes. Have you an}^ idea what 
the universal extension of the right of sutlrage to women means? It 
simpl}' means tliat the Republicans will be summai'ily dismounted from 
the high political eminence on which they have heretofore stood innational 
politics. Already the atmosphere is impregnated with Democratic suc- 
cess. You all know that the popular vote of this country is Democratic ; 
but thanks to the political foresight and sagacity of our ancestors, thanks 
to the providential contrivance of things, the electoral S3'stein has long 
saved this country from a Democratic President. If, however, married 
women are to l)e permitted to vote, is it not plain that our political 
prestige will be forever buried under the ground? Let not ISIassachu- 
setts establish such a dangerous ])iece(lent. Women, Mr. Pz-esident, 
are famous for their quick intuition, and I do not believe I exaggerate 



11 

when I state that their ohject m pressing the question of "• Woman 
Suffrage" is tlie salutary effect which tliey know it will have upon mar- 
riage. It will increase their chances of matrimony tenfold; everywhere 
Kepuhlicans and Democrats will send out missionaries to impress upon 
the rising generation of young voters the necessity of marrying early 
and often. Indeed, nothing is clean r than that it will convert this 
country into one vast veritable Utah: the motto of the voter will be, 
" So many wives, so many votes." Moreover, this right to control the 
votes of women is a powerful incentive to corruption, and we cannot 
afford to lend a hand to corruption when reform movements are crop- 
ping up all around us. [A sliort pause.] Recollect, gentlemen, that you 
are husliands — married men. Personal experience has lauglit you that 
all politicians are not gentlemen. "Ward roughs," I assure you, are 
not the most appropriate associates for your wives and daughters. The 
man who will administer a sound thrashing to his political opponent, 
will not be prone to dance attendance upon his opponent's wife; 
and for a woman to have an}^ connection with lings and machines 
is enough to sliock the feelings of a brute. But aside from the morality 
of this question, think of the great inconvenience inevitably consequent 
upon such a social revolution. Mark you, the servant-girl question is 
bec( ming more and more complex every da}-. You all have noticed 
their conspicuous absence from your households. Like the evening 
shadows upon the wall they come and go — only they do not tarry so 
long. At present you can afford to listen undisturbed to your wife's 
complaints over the sudden evanescence of these domestic treasures 
Wliy? Because, despite Bridget's or Susan's dissatisfaction with your 
wife's behavioi', the old love, which your courting days inspired in 
your breasts, still continues to linger in the lap of your heart, so long as 
she herself attends to the cooking. But woe to you when she comes 
to dabble in politi(ts or "go down town on business." Then, gentle- 
men, you will be told to attend to your own household duties, and you, 
sirs, will never be able to procure a servant-girl, for things have come 
to such a pass that servants require recommendations from their em- 
ployers — now who ever heard of a Congressman or Senator with a good 
recommendation ? {A short jjause.] Have you stopped to consider what 
you are going to do with the crying babes when your wife is at the 
court, aiding in the prosecution of an(jther husband for iufonticide? Do 
you know what it is to stand face to face with a Avoman in the trial of a 
case ? Have you stopped to think what a terrible obstruction tlie right 
of women to deliver speeches in this Assembly will be to the legisla- 
tive needs of this State ? Are you aware that the legislation which this 
Commission favors gives to women the absolute control of her own 
money, so that therewill be no longer any chance of reviving shattered 
fortunes through the instrumentality of matrimony ? Is there any man 
under the sun who can view this state of affairs with composure ? No 
doubt you think that politicians can always resort to the public funds in 
times of emergency. I-et me tell you, however, that in these days of re- 
pudiation the State treasury is the last place to look for money. [A short 
pause.] In view of these facts, Mr. President, I have no hesitation in 
saying that the laws which this Commission proposes to adojjt are in- 
famous. IN'o sane man would or should support such measures. The 
change is too sweeping. It will tax the ingenuity of our political 
lexicographers to invent names suitable to the changed conditions 
of things. What shall we call a female "wire-puller" or a woman 



12 

"lobbyist " ? How shall we denominate female " stalwarts " or " half- 
breeds"? Believe me that whatever name is determined upon, it will 
make Webster (either the statesman or the lexicographer, as ^-ou wish) 
turn tin-ice in liis grave. [He sits down.] 

Mr. Adams [arising]. Mr. President, I do not propose to waste time 
in refutintj; the s))eciousand ingenious arguments of the Senator who has 
just taken his seat. It is my dul3\ however, to correct some errors 
'into wbicli he has fallen, and which have led him to mal^e false charges 
against the Commission. If the gentleman knew anything at all about the 
Massachusetts AVoman's Rights Association he could not have uttered 
such sentimental trash as "the winsome smiles of fair dam-<els and the 
briglit lustre of their eyes," for the members of that Association all wear 
blue goggles, and most of them are either old maids or married women 
whose winsome smiles, if they ever had any, have long since 1)een con- 
verted into the scowls of a settled frown. I need only add that this 
change is in all probability due to the fact that Ihey have married men 
similar in disposition and temper to the Senator. [He sits doion.] 

Miss Mar;/ Talker* [arising]. From time immemorial the affairs of 
the worM have been under the management of men, and. in view of the 
miserable manner in which they have been managed, common decency 
alone should deter the male sex from ofi'ering any resistance to this 
reform movement. The gentleman who opposed this motion concluded 
his sophistical harangue by saying that political lexicographers would 
find great ditlicultv in inventing suitable names for female " lobbyists " 
or "wire-pullers" or female "stalwarts" or "half-breeds." Mr. 
President, this rests on the false premise that women can be as corrupt 
as men. The invention of such names is entirely superduous. Xo true 
woman would so far forget her womanly virtue as to become a Repub- 
lican — or a Democrat either, for that matter. But what if their pro- 
clivities should induce them to join the ring or machine? Rings are 
more appropriate ornaments for women than for men. And why, pray, 
should slie be condemned to run the sewing machine, while he reserves 
the right to control the political machine? The latter is less dilRcult 
of management and pays infinitely better. [A short pmise.] The gentle- 
man seems to deplore the fact that the success of this movement will no 
longer enable him to bask his corruption in the sunlight of his wife's 
purity. What a superb sentiment ' How pathetically sublime ! This 
sad spectacle was no doubt meant to play upon your emotions, and, of 
course, you all felt penitent. But a little reason will suppress a great 
deal of emotion. If you really rue your past political indiscretions, 
rouse yourself from your moral lethargy, make out your accounts, and 
pay back the overdrawn amounts to the State treasurer. Tliis is 
genuine repentance — true reform. [A short pause.] But it is not only in 
politics that woman has been denied her rights. Female education, 
too, has also been shamefully neglected. For a long time the ball-room 
has been a girl's school ; dress her study ; marriage her graduating 
certificate. It is your duty, gentlemen — though it may not be a very 
pleasant one — to aid us in teaching women that man is by no means 
so desirable an oI)jecfc as society would have us believe. This end can 
onl}^ be accomplisiied by opening to her the doors of our colleges, that 
she may study the history of the animal kingdom, and above all, the 
Darwinian theory, which will give her a true insight into the origin of 

*Thissp?ech should be delivered in a forcible manner, but slowly, so that the 
speaker may weary her audience. 



13 

much-adored man. She should likewise be taught the higher branches 
of niathematies, so that she might be able to reckon "precisely how 
much her future husband intended to make by his matrimonial opera- 
tions. Great progress has already been made in this direction. It is 
no longer an uncommon thing for a wealtliy young lady desperately in 
love witli some young man to refuse to marry him simply because he is 
poor. [A sJiort jjarise.] As to the abihty of woman to pursue the higher 
branches of knowledge there can be no reasonable doubt. I will read 
to you a report in support of this assertion, prepared by the presidents 
of several universities where both sexes have been educated together. 
[Taking out a roll of paper and reading.^ " The undersigned, Presi- 
dents of Lasalle, Tobik and otiier colleges, submit the following report 
on the practical results of co-education among the sexes, for the benefit 
of those who are interested in the subject. It is nothing but an innate 
prejudi(;e which leads the majority of people to suppose that young 
men and young ladies cannot be advantageously educated in the same 
classes.'' (Mr. President, I recommend that sentiment to your especial 
consideration. But to continue.) '' Early in March, 18{^0, a convention 
was called in tlie city of New York to discuss the propriety of admitting 
women to the universities and colleges of the United IStates. The 
proposition met with much opposition, but mostly from narrow- 
minded men Avhose arguments were based on all kinds of imaginary 
fears and evils." (Mr. President, I recommend that sentiment to your 
espetial consideration. But to continue.) "'Despite all opposition, 
however, the majority of the delegates succeeded in procuring the 
passage of a resolution the object of which was the entire obliteration 
of all distinctions between males and females, so far as the right to 
attend our colleges and universities was concerned. Many theologians 
who were present at the convocation seriously objected toco-education 
and roundly asserted that it would have a detrimental eli'ect on female 
morals." (Theologians, Mr. President, are always solicitous about 
everybody's morals except their own. But — 

Mr. SheepJtead [arisiiig], Mr. President, I object to the further read- 
ing of that report. The members are beginning to get drowsy and it is 
time to adjoui'n. [President raps for order.] 

Miss Talker [eying the speaker angrily while he speaks, and then re- 
suming]. " Many theologians who were present at the convocation 
seriously objected to co-education, and roundly asserted that it would 
be sure to have a detiimentalt fleet on female morals. Others objected 
that co-education among the sexes would develop a new species of in- 
tellectual tlirtation. [Signs of restlessness among the members.] A fair 
trial of the plans proposed by the convention has not only dispelled all 
doubt as to its practicability, but it has also demonstrated the absurdity 
of all the arguments advanced by the opposition." (vl/r. President, I 
recommend that sentiment to your es2)ecial consideration. But to continue.) 
" Smce the date of this convention many other colleges [some of the 
members begin to gape] have resolved to admit women to tlieir classes, 
and no less than fifty girls were graduated from these colleges. They 
have displayed remarkable ability [some of the members begin to rub 
their eyes as if sleepy] and I'are talent in all the departments of science 
to which they have devoted themselves. As doctors, they destroy 
fewer lives ; as lawyers, they charge less exorbitant prices ; as theo- 
logians, they are less impious; as legislators, they speak more often 
and longer [cries of'^no doubt ^^] in defence of their country." (Mr. 



u 

President, I recommend that sentiment to your especial consideration. 
But to continve.) " We are of the opinion that nothing is so well 
cak'uhitcd to impi-ovo liie tone of society than tlie salutary efi'eet which 
the presence ol' females exerts over the mental activity of young men. 
It stimulates tiiem to nobler purposes, it awakens latent intellect, 
it widens liieir tieUl of observation, it whets their appetite for tjio 
aesthetic, and above all, it corrects any evil tendency towards uncouth- 
ncss and incivility." {Mr. President. I recommend that sentiment to 
your especial consideration. But to contimie.) " We trust the day is not 
far distant when — 

Mr. Sheephead [arising and gapin(/]. Mr. President, I earnestly pro- 
test against permitting this woman to continue her inexhaustible flow 
of words, yhe is not only presuming on our good natures, but she is 
actually trespassing on our sleeping hours. [President raps for order.] 

jMiss Talker [in an excited mannef and angry tone], Mr. President, 
this is the second time that tlie gentleman (if such he may be called) 
has attempted to divert the attention of this Assembly from the most 
important part of my argument. I assure him no impertinent interfer- 
ence on his part can make me swerve from my duty. This untimely 
interruption, gentlemen, has, I know, almost made you lose the deep 
interest whicli you all feel in this report [signs of disgust among the 
members] ; in order that you may thoroughly appreciate its salient 
features, 1 will re-read it from the beginning. [Members all sigh and 
show signs of distress.] I must and will accomplish my desired end. 

Mr. khccphead [arising and gajnng]. If the lady's object Mas to put 
us all into a mesmeric sleep by tlie length of her magnetic speech, she 
has already well-nigh accomplished her end. [President raps for 
order.] 

Miss Talker [during the re-reading of this report the members gradually 
fall to sleep, except the President, who makes desperate efforts to keep 
awake]. "It is nothing but au innate prejudice whicli leads the 
majority of people to suppose that young men and young ladies cannot 
be advantageously educated in the same classes. Early in March, 
1880, a convention was called in the city of New York, to discuss the 
.propriety of admitting women to the universities and colleges of the 
United States. The proposition met with much opposition, but mostly 
from narrow-minded men whose arguments were based on all kinds of 
imaginary fears and evils. [Loud snoring is heard for a few seconds on 
the right side of the hall.] Despite all opposition, however, the 
majority of the delegates succeeded in procuring the passage of a reso- 
lution, the object of wliich was the entire obliteration of all distinctions 
between males and females, so far as the right to attend our colleges 
and univeisities was concerned. Many theologians who were present 
at the convocation seriousl}' objected to co-education, and roundly 
asserted tiiat it would liave a (leirimental elfcct on female morals. 
Others objected that co-education among the sexes would develop a 
new species of intellectual tlirtation.' A fair trial of the plans proposed 
by the convention has not only dispelled all doubt as to its practica- 
bility, but it has also demonstrated the absurdit}' of all the arguments 
advanced by the opposition. Since tlie date of this convention many 
other colleges have resolved to admit women to their classes, and no 
less than (ifty girls were graduated from these colleges. The}' have 
displayed remarkable ability and rare talent in all the departments of 
science to w hich they have devoted themselves. As doctors, they 



15 

destroy fewer lives ; as lawyers, they charge less exorhitant prices ; as 
theologians, they are less impious ; as legislators, tliey spealv more 
often and longer in defence of their country. We are of the oi)inion that 
nothing is so well calculated to improve the tone of society than the 
salutary eflect which the presence of females exerts over the mental 
activity of young men. It stimulates them to nobler purposes, it 
awakens latent intellect, it widens their field of observation, it whets 
their appetite for the sesthetic, and above all, it corrects any evil 
tendency towards uncouthness and incivility. We trust the day is near 
at hand when these facts will be universall}^ recognized. The good to 
be derived from the institution of such a reform is inestimable ; upon 
its success or fiiilure depends woman's future." Now, Mr. President, 
I will relate a few facts which came under my personal — 

Mr. Brown. Miss Talker, as it is long past the constitutional hour 
of adjournment, I will be constrained to ask you to discontinue your 
speech. 

Miss Talker. Mr. President and Gentlemen : Thanking you all for 
your kind and earnest attention [loud snoring is heard from the left 
side of the hall]^ I can only hope that this motion will be carried. 

Mr. Brown [ra2)ping loudly for order, which rouses the members., who 
turn around and rub their eyes or gape~\. All in favor of this motion say 
[gaping] aye. 

All [sleepily]. Aye ! 

Mr. Brown. All opposed [gaping]^ no. 

Mr. Sheephead [very loud]. No! 

Mr. Broivn [rubbing his eyes]. The motion is carried and the assem- 
bly stands adjourned. [Curtain falls.] 



ACT II. 

{Several montlis are supposed to elapse betioeen Act I and Act II.) 

Scene : — Interior view of Miss Mary Talker's Laio Office. 

There is one door in the centre, one to the right and one to the left. Over the 
centre door are the words ''Miry Talker, Atiorney-at-Law '/ over the rUiht door the 
words " Waiting Roomy To the left of the centre coor is a large i^lacard in full 
vie^c of the audience, on tchich the foUutoing notice is printed : '' ISpeciul attention 
given to the contracting of Mortgage Loans, Marriages, and other incumbrances. 
Husbands prociired at the shorted possible notice. No extiu chargea for women 
advanced in years. Divorces procwtd at bQ per cent, beluw the rig ular charges. 
All business strictly confidential and secretly conducted." To t/ufar right of tM 
centre door are a high desk and tico high ordinary counting-room chairs, occupied 
by two femrde clc) ks, who are engaged in writing when curtain rises. To the near 
Wt of the centre door is an elegant laioyefs desk, at which Miss Talker is seated 
reading a newspaper. 

Enter Mrs. Stare Morose. 

Mrs. Starr Morose [excited]. Good morning. Miss Talker. 

Miss Talker. Goou morning, Mrs. Morose. Why, 3"ou seem to be 
excited. Take a seat. [She offers her a chair.] 

Mrs. Morose. It's just as I told you. Miss Talker; ever since the 
passage of that Woman's Rights Bill I've had nothing but trouble — 
trouble — trouble. Scarcely had the new law been enacted than 



< 



16 

Johanna, my eldest daughter, took it into her head tliat she must be 
elected to Coni;ress as a Massachusetts Cougresswoman. In order to 
procure the nomination she started out on a stump-speech expedition, 
and ever since she has had a brain afi'ection, superinduced, so the 
doctors think, by a sudden, violent and long-protracted attack of civil 
service reform. A short while after this terrible calamity my second 
daughter, Elsie, applied for a position as bank cashier. Slie succeeded 
in obtaining such a position in the First National Bank. But alas ! 
the temptation was too great for her, and like the male cashiers before 
her, she absconded never to return again. And now my third and last 
daughter has become entangled in the meshes of the law. 

Aliss Talker [ia a dramatic manner]. A most noble profession! a 
most noble profession ! 

Mrs. Morose. I don't think you quite understand me, madam. She 
has never evinced any desire to adopt the profession of Uiav ; that 
would only be evidence of pi'emature immoral propensities. But she 
has been actually sued {with strong emjiliasis^ — sued by a most imperti- 
nent, arrogant, empty-brained young law student. 

Miss Talker \wlth delight and surprise]. Sued! 

Mrs. Morose [angi'ili/\. Well, you seem to be extraordinarily de- 
lighted at the prospect. That is the way with you lawyers, the possi- 
bility of a fee steels your hearts against all the stings which wound a 
mother's heart. I expected better things of female advocates, but it is 
with you like the rest of them, one can hardly state his case before 
you stretch out your hands to grasp the fee. 

Miss Talker [indignantly]. Not at all, not at all! You mistake the 
real signilieatiou of my apparent delight. Whenever I hear that a 
young innocent girl has been sued by one of those male saints, it makes 
my blood boil, it shocks my nervous system, it sends a thrill of anger 
through ni}' entire body, causing a smile of contentment to light upon 
my countenance, which is but the bitter irony of scorn and contempt. 
My charity is broad and comprehensive. Oh ! it is not theyee, nor yet 
the male., but the /emoYe, about whicli 1 am concerned. 

Mrs. Morose. Well, then, let me tell you the cause of this suit. My 
daughter May is a very imprudent girl, but her youth may be pleaded in 
extenuation of her childish indiscretions. As you may have imagined, 
she was very fond of this supercilious, shodd}' law student, whose name, 
by the way, is Mr. Robert Green. Thougli he was reputed to be 
wealth}', I l.ave peremptorily forbade May to associate witli l.im. She 
obeyed for a while, but as soon as the Woman's Rights Bill was passed 
she not only became refractory, but absolutely unmanageable [rcith 
strong emphasis]. Because I refused to allow her to receive this Mr. 
Green at hume, she determined — now that the Legislature has wiped 
away all distinction between men and women — to visit this insolent 
fellow at his own house. After continuing her visits for a few months, 
she had the boldness to propose to him, and he immediately accepted 
the proposal. Subsequently she refused to marry him, on the ground 
that he lad wilfully deeeived her as to his rank in society and the 
amount of his income. Mr. Green at once engaged the services of a 
certain lawyer, Sheephead, who has entered suit against my daughter 
to recover $20,000 damages lor breach of promise to marry. 

3Iiss Talker [lit a tragic mannei-]. A woman's pride wounded ! Ye 
gods of justice, defend our noble sex, aid me in the trial of this case, 
give me strengtli and time to say all that I may desire to say, and strike 
my opponent dumb, in the interest of truth and justice. 



17 

Mrs. Morose [watching her with surprise^. Why, you are growing 
quite enthusiastic all of a sudden. 

Miss Talker. Yes, that is an apostrophe which I always deliver 
before engaging in a legal combat — making, of course, the necessary 
changes to suit the occasion. You may depend upon it, Mrs. Morose, 
I will vindicate the honor of oiu- sex at all hazards ; I will meet and 
demolish the foe. Let us go at once to the clerk's office, and I will 
enter my appearance. 

[Exeunt Mrs. Morose and Miss Talker.^ 

\st Clerk. I tell you, Sue, the younger generation of females are fast 
coming to the front. 

Id Clerk. That they are, Mag. When we were young, girls waited 
until the men came to see them. 

\st Clerk. Indeed they did. Sue, though some of them were a long 
time coming. 

2d Clerk. Since the passage of the new bill women are all the time 
quarreling. 

\st Clerk. No doubt that's the reason lawyer Talker worked so 
diligently in the interest of the bill. You can never tell what these 
professional women are up to. 

2d Clerk. It has been said, I know not with how much truth, that 
the new bill would never have been passed had Miss Talker not put the 
members to sleep by her very interesting speech. 

Enter Mr. A. A. B. Sheephead and Mr. R. Green. 

Mr. Sheephead {to \st Clerk'] . Is Mi'. Talker in ? 

\st Clerk. Miss Talker, you mean, sir. No, sir, she just stepped 
out. 

Mr. Sheephead [to Mr. Green]. Well, this is a piece of the coolest 
eftVontery on record. [To 1st Clerk]. — Do you mean to accuse me of 
making secret engagements with Mr. Talker's daughter ? I suppose a 
man who has had twenty 3'ears' experience at the bar ought to know 
what he wants when he asks for anything. When I call for whiskey 
straight, I don't want lemonade. [Looking around the room he per- 
ceives the sign over the centre door all of a sudden. He puts his hands 
in 7iis pockets., sways to and fro., staring at the sign in astonishment., and 
whistles for a few seconds.] Great Scott ! shades of the almighty 
Cajsar ! it is a woman. An attorney-at-law, and a member of that 
abominable, most detestable Massachusetts Woman's Rights Associ- 
ation — the very woman with whom I had that memorable wrangle in 
the Senate. [To Mr. Green]. — My dear Green, I'll be compelled to 
raise the fee. We'll be completely annihilated, if not in flesh, at least 
in spirits. Do you know, sir, I'd rather be pitted against five of the 
most eminent male lawyers this city aflbrds than one such long-tongued 
woman. A man will always come to some settlement, even if it is 
only ten cents on a dollar ; lout as for a woman — well, you may as well 
save your breath. 

Mr. Green. She mu — mu — must be a ter — ri — ri — ble mon — mon — 
ster. 

Mr. Sheephead. That she is, my boy, that she is. I tell you these 
professional women worry the life and soul out of us poor men. It has 
turned out just as I predicted at the last session of the Legislature. I 
exerted all my mental energies to avert this terrible calamity, but all 



18 

to no purpose. I trust that the rising generation of young lawyers, 
who are springing up everywhere, and on very barren soil too, will re- 
sort to every means, fair or foul, to have this law which permits women 
to practice in our courts repealed. These women are continually 
cuttinc; the prices. Ah ! [si(jhi7ig] when I think of those days of peace 
and exorbitant fees which have forever vanished, my heart leaps out to 
our departed legislators, 
[Pathetically.] Oh ! large retainers, sweet relics of the past, 

How low sounds your bugle, how faint is your blast ! 

Mr. Green. Do you — you think there is — is any ch — chance of re — 
recovering any damages ? 

Mr. Sheephead [puzzled]. Oh — certainly, certainly. As a student 
of the law let me inform you that it is a lawyer's duty always to think 
so. A doubt may uoav and then come athwart the intellectual opei'a- 
tions of his brain, but he should rise superior to all obstacles, and 
taking the retainer like a man, he should say to his client, "My friend, 
you've got a very good case, but, of course, there's no telling what a 
jury may do." The jury, my boy, is the lawyer's soothing syrup. 
Should he win his case, all well and good ; should he be so unfortunate 
as to lose it, he need only say to his client, "My friend, the unfavor- 
able verdict is due entirely to the stupidity of the jury ; the law was 
decidedly in your favor." That is the reason, Green, why nine-tenths 
of the bar object to the abolition of jury trials. . 

Mr. Green. That — that is not the — the kind of law that — that they 
tea — teach us at — at the univer — ver — si — si — ty. You — you think, 
then, that — that we can re — re — cover ? 

Mr. Sheephead. There's no doubt of it. We must stand up bravely 
for our rights, and if this woman attempts to deliver any of her fifty 
mile-speeches, when we come to try this case — why, I'll move the court 
to have her disbaried for wilfully and maliciously obstructing the course 
of justice. [Taking out his icatch.] It's getting late. [To 1st Clerk.] 
Mi^s or Mrs. Clerk — whichever it may be — what time will the old lady 
be in? 

Ist Clerk. I expect her every moment. 

Mr. Sheephead [to Mr. Green]. Well, Green, suppose we retire to 
the waiting-room and take a smoke. [Giving him a cigar.] 

Mr. Green. As — as you say. A youth of my — my ai' — ar — dent 
spir — its always likes sm — smoke and — and fire. 

[Exeunt Mr. S. and Mr. (?., arm in arm,] 

Vst Clerk. That's a rather impertinent sort of fellow. He speaks 
about Miss Talker as though we had no ears. 

Id Clerk. I wonder who he can be? 

\st Clerk. Some second-rate pettifogger, I suppose. When he comes 
to consult with Miss Talker on law questions, he'll rue the day he was 
born, I'll warrant. 

Enter Dr. Brosius and Mr. Green [right door]. 

Mr. Green [with a cigar in his hand and speaking while entering], 
I — I — say, doc — tor, does sh — she attend to — to all your col — lee — tions ? 

Doctor Brosius. Every one. Green, these women make capital 
collectors. Debtors pay just to get rid of them, besides they only ask 
5 per cent, commission, while the regular charges are ten. 

Mr. Green. We — well, doctor, how — how do they — they sue — succeed 
in med — medicine? 



19 

Dr. Brosius [speaking as one trying to suppress the truth]. Not so 
well, not so well. I could not conscientiously advise you to use them. 
It is especially in the field of politics that women have been pre- 
eminently successful. This is largely owing to the skill and prompt- 
ness with which they answer queries propounded by the Civil Service 
Reform Association. Last week I Avas invited to attend one of the 
examinations. A young lady presented herself as a candidate to fill a 
vacancy in the Police Board. The examiner asked her what she 
conceived to be the duty of a policeman. She replied: "He should 
studiously avoid all danger and never interfere with other people when 
tiicy are engaged in quarreling. In this way the Board will be able to 
preserve a fine body of police, for none will ever be mangled or 
injured." He then asked her what was the difierence between a night 
policeman and a somnambulist. To this she replied: "A somnambu- 
list walks when he should be in bed, a night policeman is in bed when 
he should be walking." 

Mr. Green. I — I gu — guess hungry of— fice — see — seekers are not — 
not very fo — fond of such com — competitors. 

Dr. Brosius. I should say not. [Taking up a newspaper and glan- 
cing casually over its columns.] 

Mr. Green [looking at the large placard near the centre door] . I — 
I — say, doc — doctor, that's a ve — very for — formidable pla — placard 
you — der. [Putting on his eye-glasses and reading.] "Spe — special 
atten — tion giv — given to the con — contracting of mort — gage loans, 
mar — riages and other in — in — cumbrances. Hus — husbands pro — 
cured at the short — shortest possi — ble no — notice. No ex — extra 
charges for — for women ad— advanced in years. Di — vorces pro — cured 
at fif — fifty per cent, be — below the regu — lar char — charges ; all busi — 
siness strictly con — fidential and se — secretly con — conducted." 

Dr. Brosius. This is what she calls transacting business secretly. 
Listen to this advertisement in the Boston Herald : Wanted ! — By a 
widow who has had ample experience in married life^ a husband with 
thirty to fifty thousand dollars capital. No objection to one having over 
that amount. Must be a man of strictly temperate habits. No widowers 
need apply. Address M.T.^l\Court street. [Looks at Mr. Green.] Green, 
there is nothing like the noble gift of prophecy in social matters. John 
Stuart Mill long ago contended that marriage was nothing more than a 
partnership, and that the day was not far off when it would be so recog- 
nized by the world. Who would have dreamt that Mill's prophecy 
would have been verified in the columns of a newspaper ? [He sits 
down on the chair behind the desk.] 

Mr. Green. We — well, doctor, I — I have some busi — siness with — 
with Mr. Sheep — head. Won't you — you join us? {Walks towards the 
right door.] 

Dr. Brosius [taking a pe7i'holder in his hand.] No, thank you, I 
must write a note to Miss Talker, then I'll return to the oftice. 

Mr. Green. You'll ex — excuse me, doc — doctor. 

Dr. Brosius. Certainly. [Exit Mr. Green, right door.] 

Dr. Brosius. Confound that fellow ! he's as stupid as a new-born 
ape. Let me see [meditating]. What shall I write? [He writes, and 
reads as he writes.] 

Miss Talker : Please attend to that collection forme as soon as pos- 
sible, as I hear the ungrateful wretch whose lite I have saved intends to 
abscond and defraud his creditors, doctors not excepted. Before I imder- 



20 

take to effect any more cures, I shall certainly follow your advice and 
apply at the Mercantile Agency to ascertain the pecuniary standing 
of my patients. Yours, etc., Dr. Brosius. 

[to 1st Clerk.] Give this note to Miss Talker when she returns. 

1st Clerk. Yes, sir. [He places the note on the desk.] 

[Exit Dr. Brosius, left door.] 

2d Clerk. Mag, that student's a queer-looking chap, isn't he? 

1st Clerk. Yes, he's entirely too aesthetic.. He reminds one of Oscar 
Wilde. 

Enter MiSS Talker. [She sits at her desk and begins to unfold the 
note lying on the table,] 

Mr. Sheephead [speaking in a loud voice in the waiting-room so 
that he is heard without]. Yes, my boy, I tell you twenty years 
experience in the law has given [eutering with Mr. Green and continu' 
ing to speak in a bold, boastful manner] me the dash to cope with the 
fiercest enemy ; it has armed me with a panoply of audacious boldness 
impenetrable to the shafts and arrows even ola woman's tongue. I 
fear nothing xxwAqv— [suddenly perceiving Miss Talker, he is startled 
and trembUs from head to foot]. [Aside] — Shades of Blackstone ! it's 
the identical woman. She's remarkably handsome without those blue 
goggles. [To Miss Talker, in a tremulous voice] — Good morning. You 
are Miss Talker, I believe ? Perhaps you remember me. Madam. My 
name is Sheephead. This is Mr. Green. [Mr. Green and Miss Talker 
bow.] 

Miss Talker. Oh ! I see, you are the attorney for Mr. Green in the 
case of Green versus Morose. 

Mr. Sheephead [taking a seat ; Mr. Green doing the same. Mr. Sheep- 
head gathers courage]. Exactly so. You see. Miss Talker, your case 
is quite hopeless. I came here with Mr. Green for the purpose of 
coming to some amicable settlement. We have entered suit for $20,000 
damages; we'll compromise on $15,000. Terms: One-third, cash ; the 
balance in six and twelve months. 

Miss Talker [in a loud voice and a threatening manner]. Amicable 
settlement ! compromise, sir ! This unheard-of audacity ! 

Mr. Sheephead [to Mr. Green]. I told you so, the explosion's 
coming. 

Miss Talker. Don't speak of compromises to me, sir. Female 
attorneys always have their eyes open — 

Mr. Sheephead. And their mouths too. 

Miss Talker. Have I not plainly demonstrated in the cases of 
Broivn \. Black, Smithy. Wicks, and Snow v. Jones, that there neither 
is, was, nor ever will be such a thing as compromising with a woman. 
The days for swindling clients are past. Justice is no longer to be 
trampled upon. 

Mr. Sheephead. But, my dear madam, you, who have acquired such 
a vast amount of legal knowledge, must certainly know that the law in 
this controversy is decidedly in my favor. There is one unbroken chain 
of decisions which establishes, beyond all doubt, that when a man makes 
a promise to marry a woman and subsequently breaks the promise, he 
thereby renders himself liable to an action for damages. This canon 
of law rests on the equitable doctrine that when a woman strains every 
nerve to secm-e a husband and a young man induces her, by a promise 
of marriage, to be lax in her further etibrts to accomplish this end, he 
he has thereby ruined her matrimonial prospects and is justly respon- 



21 

sible. Now, by the passage of the Woman's Rights Bill, woman has 
been placed in all respects on an equality with man, and since it is 
rapidly becoming the fashion for young ladies to visit the opposite sex, 
it follows that the same rule of liability applies to females who violate 
their contractual obligations as to males. Your client, therefore, must 
marry Mr. Green, or pay the $15,000. 

Miss Talker [eying the speaker contemptuo^isly]. If I thought that I 
were really compelled to choose between those alternatives, the dictates 
of my conscience would force me to advise my client to pay the 
$15,000. 

Mr. Sheephead \to Mr. Green]. That's hard on you, my boy. 

Miss Talker [in an excited manner and loud voice]. But. my dear sir, 
in arriving at such a conclusion you only parade your ignorance of the 
law. You can't hoodwink me, sir. All the authorities sustain the 
position which I propose to take. [Speaking very rapidly] — " Marriage 
is a civil contract." Bishojj on Marriage ; 20 Maryland., 300 ; 40 New 
York, 400 ; 70 Ohio, 700 ; 50 Illinois, 500. '' The plaintiti" cannot 
recover damages on the breach of such a contract when he himself is 
guilty of wilfully making false representations of his social rank and 
financial standing." Browning on Husband and Wife; 1 Massachusetts, 
10 ; 2 Maryland, 20 ; 3 Iowa, 30 ; 4 New York, 40 ; 5 Ohio, 50. 
[Speaking less rapidly] — On these high authorities I rest my case, and 
when I quote from these adjudications you will find to your dismay and 
horror that you are nothing but a pettifogulizing idiot. 

Mr. Sheephead [almost crying loith rage]. Idiot! madam? Recol- 
lect that you are calling a member of your profession an idiot. My 
moral constitution can withstand any amount of aggression ; physically 
I am firm as a rock, but when a woman calls me a pettifogulizing idiot, 
it rouses all the resentment of my nature. 

Miss Talker. I assure you, sir, I am entirely unconcerned whether 
it rouses your anger or not. My office is no court-room ; the proper 
place to discuss this matter is in court, and there's where I propose to 
discuss it. The speech which I shall deliver before the jm-y will bring 
the blush of shame to that young man's cheek [meaiiing Mr. Green], 
It will surpass all my previous efforts, not only in length, but also in 
breadth. I will make both you and him repent the day that you 
ignominiously sought to besmirch the character of an innocent, inex- 
perienced young girl. 

Mr. Sheephead [he whispers a few seconds to Mr. Green; then straight' 
ening up, in order to appear brave, he speaks timidly at first, but 
gradually gathers courage, speaking louder and louder and louder]. I 
have consulted my client, and he authorizes me to say that your 
scurrilous and abusive language renders it entirely incompatible with 
his dignity to think of compromising this case. All women have a 
natural aptitude for quarreling, but God save me from such a misfor- 
tune as a professional wife ! I have not the slightest delicacy in pro- 
nouncing you to be an inhuman tyrant, a heartless brute, insusceptible 
to all expressions of love ; a woman without the least consideration 
for the wounded feelings of a poor innocent and inexperienced man. 
You shall pay for your slanderous words at the temple of justice. I 
warn you in advance that I have been a married man too long, to be 
intimidated by the threats of female tyrants. I mean to protect the 
rights of a persecuted young man. I mean to defend outraged justice. 
I mean to show your hard-hearted girls that they cannot trifie with the 



22 

fine sensibilities of that most delicately constructed organ, the male 
heart. With the inexhaustil)le fertility of my brain, with the deepest sym- 
patliy of my soul, with the labor of these arms, I shall toil, toil, toil until 
I succeed in teaching your fair damsels what the true essence of love is. 
With all the vehemence at my command, I shall denounce your societ}' , 
belles, who only ring when the silver jingles. Before the jury I shall 
lay bare the foul tricks of which my client has been the victim — not in 
the rhetorical flourishes of well-rounded sentences, but in plain unvar- 
nished language. You may speak the longest, but I will hollow the 
loudest. [As loud as possible] — The long bray of the ass shall be 
drowned under the loud roar of the lion. [Cm-tain falls.] 



ACT III. 



Scene. — An apartment in Mrs. Morose' s house. Mrs. M. seated at a table. 
Enter Dr. Brosius. [Centre door.] 

Dr. Brosius. Good morning, madam. How are you this morning ? 

Mr. Morose. Not at all well, doctor, not at all well. Family 
troubles are fast breaking down my once robust constitution. Ah! 
doctor, I fear my days are numbered. 

Dr. Brosius. My dear madam, if the j^umber becomes as large in 
the future as it has been in the past, I scarcely think there exists any 
just cause for your immediate alarm. Still, to be on the safe side, I'll 
write you a prescription. 

M7-S. Morose. Oh ! never mind that, doctor. Your visit to-day is to 
be strictly non-professional. I want you as a witness in the case of 
Green v. Morose. 

Dr. Brosius. Why, madam, you don't mean to tell me that you've 
been sued ? 

Mrs. Morose. Not exactly. My daughter May has become involved 
in a legal difficulty with that empty-brained law student, Mr. Green. 
He has sued her for breach of })romise to marry, and assesses the 
damages at $20,000 [the doctor whistles]. An arrangement has been 
made whereby the witnesses are to be privately examined in this 
house by the counsel on bi)th sides. After all the testimony has been 
taken, the opposing counsel will hold a consultation for the purpose of 
making some amicable settlement. Miss Talker 

Dr. Brosius. Is that your attorney ? 

Mrs, Morose. Yes. 

Dr. Brosius. Tjord help the poor man on the other side ! 

Mrs. Morose. Miss Talker is bitterly opposed to compi'omises, but it 
is always best to avoida scandal, if it can be avoided without any loss 
of money ; and after desperate efforts, I have at last persuaded her to 
consent to this mode of settlement, if it is at all possible. 

Dr, Bi-osiiis. Madam, in my opinion, a doctor should always hold 
himself aloof from the contaminating influences of the law ; still, if I 
can be of any service to you, in a legitimate way, I'll not be wanting. 

Mrs, Morose. What I ask of you, doctor, is an easy task. [They 
both walk towards the centre door.] I want you to testify to my 
daughter's character. 



23 

Dr. Brosius. Well, then, you can depend upon my testimony. 
Mrs. Morose. I'll inform you, doctor, when we are I'eady. 

{Exit Mrs. Morose^ left door.'\ 

Enter Mr. Sheephead mid Mr. Green. 

[Mr. S, is followed by three servants^ each of whom carries six or eight 

law books.^^ 

Mr. Sheephead [speaking in a loud voice to Mr. Green as they enter] . 
Have patience, my boy, have patience! We'll be sure to ensnare the 
female tiger. Where there is law, there is hope. [To the servants] — 
Place them here. [The servants put the books on the floor to the right 
of the centre door, and then retire.] Ah ! doctor, are you here ? 
[They shake hands.] [To Mr. Green] — Green, see if the witnesses 
have come. [Exit Mr. Green.] You physicians ought to be getting 
quite rich now that the scarlet fever has become an epidemic in this 
vicinity. 

Dr. Brosius. Well, probably we would be, if we conducted our busi- 
ness on legal principles. 

Mr. Sheephead. Quite the reverse, sir. If you conducted your 
business legally, I suppose one-half of your profession would be in the 
poor-house. Nothing pays so well, now-a-days, as medicine. My own 
father, sir, was an experienced physician, and I distinctly recollect 
having heard him say, on one occasion, that if he ever had four sons, 
the first should be a physician, the second an apothecary, the third an 
undertaker, and the fourth a lawyer. You will observe that they can 
play right into each other's hands. The physician prescribes, the 
apothecary kills, the undertaker makes the coffin, the lawyer denies 
the validity of the dead man's will. But alas ! I was the only son he 
ever had, and though it had been his wish that I should study medicine, 
my strong love of justice, my utter aversion to money-making — traits 
which early developed themselves in my character — induced him to 
give way to my own predilections, and so — much to the honor of the 
profes>ion — I became an attorney-at-law. 

Dr. Brosius. I say, Sheephead, are you connected with this case of 
Mr. Green's y 

Mr. Sheephead. Certainly, doctor. I represent Mr. Green ; Miss 
Mary Talker represents Miss Miiiy Morose. 

Dr. Brosius. My dear Sheephead, my poor fellow ! I don't envy 
you. I extend you my deepest sympathy. If you've taken this 
case on a contingent fee, you might as well make up your mind to take 
nothing and go. She is a most powerful speaker, a most logical 
reasoner, and a most shrewd manipulator. I heard it sai<l that when 
she begius to speak, the most beautiful, ornate and euphonious phrases 
flow from her fountain of eloquence like an incessant rush of sparkhng 
water from some stupendous falls. 

Mr. Sheephead [dolefully]. Yes, I've had a taste of her eloquence 
when I was in the Senate. [Placing his hand on Dr. B.'s shoulder and 
speaking confidentially]— Do you kiiow, doctor, that Miss Talker is a 
very handsome vvomau? I just made that discovery. You see, it 
used to be one of the laws of the Massachusetts Woman's Rights 
Association that every member must wear a pair of blue goggles. 
The object of this was to ward oti' the impertinent gaze of male 
admirers. When I first saw Miss Talker she had on a pair of those 
abominable glasses, and it actually disfigured her. Since she has 



24 

begun the practice of law, however, she has ceased to wear them, and 
I tell you in confidence, doctor, that slie has made a decided impression 
upon me. 

Dr. Brosius. What, Sheephead, you don't mean to tell me that you 
are in love ! 

Mr. Sheepliead. Oh ! no, to be sure not ; only, sir, I have not been 
able to sleep a wink since I've seen that woman's eyes as Natui-e made 
them. 

Dr. Brosius. I suppose you attribute your sleeplessness to indiges- 
tion, nervousness, or the like. 

Mr. Sheephead. Yes, exactly. 

Enter Mr. Gbeen. [Right door.] 

Mr. Green. Th — the wit — witnesses ar — are wa — waiting, Mr. — Mr. 
Shee — Sheephead. 

Mr. Shee2)head. Well, then, doctor, I must be oft'. [To Green] — 
Green, I'll leave you to entertain the doctor, while I interrogate tlie 
witnesses, and mind you now that nobody tampers with tliem as they 
leave this house. [Exit Mr. Sheephead, right door.] 

Mr. Green [despondently]. Doc — doc — tor, I — I'm tew — wibly out of 
spiw — its to-day. 

Dr. Brosius. You know what 1 do when I'm out of spirits ? I 
always fill up the jug. 

Mr. Green. Now, doc — doc — tor, to be sewi— ^ous, I — I wa — want you 
to — to do me a fa — favor. 

Dr. Brosius. I hope it has nothing to do with that lawsuit of yours. 

Mr. Green. Yes — yes it — it has. I — I want you — you to testify 
to my — my good cha — wacter. 

Dr. Brosius. Well, Green, to be honest, I don't know whether I 
could conscientiously so testify. Besides, I've been called as a witness 
on the other side for the same purpose. 

Mr. Green. We — well, doctor, there's no — no law pre — preventing 
us both from — from hav — iug go — good cha— wacters. 

Dr. Brosius. Yes, but I know you too long, Green. You've certainly 
been a scamp in your day. However, a doctor's conscience is very elastic, 
and if after mature deliberation I should come to tlie conclusion that 
the stretch is not too great [they walht toward the centre door], I'll act 
accordingly. Till then, au revoir. 

Mr. Green. Au re — revoir. 

[Exeunt Dr. B. and Mr. G. The former leaves by the centre door: the 
latter by left door.] 

Enter Miss Talker. [Centre door.] 
[SJie is followed by threefemale servants, each of whom carries six to eight law books.] 

Miss Talker. Place them on the floor. [The servants put them on 
the floor to the left of the centre door, and then retire.] 

Miss Talker [angrily]. How strange it is that my baser instincts 
always suppress my nobler emotions ! My angry passions had almost 
smothered the tender affections which the first sight of Mr, Slieephead 
awakened in my breast ; but now that the din and noise of our recent 
battles have subsided, the holy passion revives again. But, who shall 
say that Mary Talker, the President of the Massachusetts Woman's 
Rights Association, retained so much of her woman I3' nature in these 
civilized times as to be still able to love V Women must have more 



25 

head and less heart. Shall I be made the dupe of a male attorney who 
abused me as this man has done ? Never shall it be said that m}' pride 
was bent by tender feelings for this attorney. [Meditating] — Besides, 
I had almost forgotten that Mr. Sheephead is a married man. No ! to 
married men, women should never make any concession whatever, 
though it is not at all impossible, in this age of enlightenment, to induce 
aristocratic gentlemen to desert their wives for fairer maidens. 

E7it€r Mr. Sheephead. [Right door.] 

Mr. Sheephead [writing in a note-hook while entering]. Confound the 
luck! That's the most unsatisfactory evidence I ever — [perceiving 
Miss Talker] — Pardon me, madam, I was just observing how remark- 
ably satisfactory the testimony of our witnesses has proven, though all 
of them have not yet been examined. [Aside] — Now, or never! I 
can restrain myself no longer. 

Miss Talker [angrily]. That is no concern of mine, sir. 

3Ir. Sheephead [smiling]. My dearest Miss Talker, how aesthetically 
charming is your attire, how lovely your countenance, with what a 
crusliing effect the radiance of your soft brown eyes — 

Miss Talker [frowning]. Sir! how dare you address me thus after 
the insulting language of yesterday. 

Mr, Sheephead [in apathetic manner]. Ah! most adorable creature, 
lawyers will sometimes quarrel. It is a necessary part of the profes- 
sion. The weaker the case, the more abusive the ejDithets. Often in 
the vehemence of debate, often in our anxieties for our fees, we over- 
leap the bounds of propriety and decorum by uttering words, the mere 
thought of which in calmer times would put us to shame. You, too, 
have spoken harsh words of me, but no sooner had the last sounds of 
your oft'ensive words died away, than I could detect the prayer of for- 
giveness lurking about 5'our precious lips. When I first beheld your be- 
witching countenance, it completely unnerved me. I put forth every 
effort to abuse you — for it was my duty ; but alas ! all to no purpose. 

Miss Talker. Pray, don't excuse yourself, you succeeded quite well. 
Had it not been for Mrs. Morose's earnest entreaties, I would never 
have consented to be present at this consultation. 

Mr, Sheephead, Ah ! madam, you wrong me. What I did say was 
nothing, compared with what I might have said. It is a great consola- 
tion for sinners to know that none of them are so bad, but that they 
might have been worse. 

Miss Talker [angrily], Mr. Sheephead, recollect, sir, that I am 
here strictly on business, and not on a courting expedition. Quite a 
remarkable change is noticeable in your conduct since last week. 
Your pretended piety, your feigned repentance and your assumed good 
manners are no doubt well concocted schemes, wherewith you fain 
would ensnare an unwary victim. Beware of me, sir ! 

Mr, Sheephead. Ah ! madam, there is beauty in your very frowns, 
goodness in your evil thoughts, and love in your angry words. [Very 
Apathetically] — You will believe me, my dearest Miss Talker, when I 
swear that I am perfectly sincere in everything that I have said to you 
this evening. Why should I be unsusceptible to female charms ? Why 
should I be wholly devoid of the holy passion of love ? A lawyer's 
heart is not love-proof. Stern though the stufi' be of which it is made, 
yet withal can it be wounded by Cupid's arrows. How I came to 
overlook your irresistible charms when last we met, is one of those in- 



26 

dissoluble mysteries which sometimes occurs only to baffle our very 
senses. 

Miss Talker [atigrily]. Your conduct, sir, is outrasjeous. Do you 
tliink, sir, that you cau deceive me by tliis despicable trick of yours. 
It is very likely, indeed, that you who reviled me in the Senate, who 
slandered me in the presence of your own client, have all of a sudden 
become my most ardent admirer. 

Mr. Sheej^head. Strange it is, but true. Ah, madam, "Love is 
blind and lovers cannot see the petty follies that themselves commit." 
Merchant of Venice, Act II, Scene 6. But I have not become a sudden 
convert, as you suppose. The sublime feelings which I entertain for 
you have passed through all the various stages of the Darwinian theory 
of evolution. First came the seed, then the bud, and now comes the 
beautiful period of efflorescence. I tried to arrest its further develop- 
ment until this case had been settled, but it seems as though the com- 
bined strength of Hercules and Samson cannot restrain me from giving 
expression to the ebullition of my feelings. " Tlaou wouldst as soon 
go kindle tire with snow as seek to quench the fire of love with words." 
The Two Gentlemen of Verona, Act II, Scene 7. Come, then, dearest, 
do not be ansii-y. I do not know the cause of my stupid blindnesi? in 
the past, I do not know how I came to abuse you, this only I do know 
tliat I adore you, I worship you, and you must be my wife. 

Miss Talker [with contempt] . Your wife, indeed ! Sir, your imper- 
tinent audacity is becoming absolutely sublime. Have you so soon 
forgotten the pledges which you have made to another woman ? Have 
you so soon forgotten the boastful words which you uttered but yes- 
terday ? 

Mr. Shee])head [confused]. Pledges? Boastful words ? I don't un- 
derstand you. 

Miss Talker [assuming a threateniny attitude and speaking in a deep 
voice, in imitation of Mr. Sheephead], "1 warn you in advance that I 
have been a married man too long to be intimidated by the threats of 
female tyrants." Do you wish, sir, to become a bigamii-t ? Did you 
not in the presence of Mr. Green and myself openly avow that you 
were a married man ? 

Mr. Sheephead [innocently]. Yes, I stated so, but that was a mere 
professional utterance, and like all statements made by the profession, 
it was not strictly true. 

Miss Talker. Then you are not married ? 

Mr. Sheephead. Certainly not. 

Miss Talker. That being the case, I am bound to accept your 
apology. 

Mr. Sheephead [taking her ha7id]. And my hand, too. 

Enter Mr. Green and Mrs. Morose, from opposite sides. 

Mr. Green and Mrs. Morose [each looking at their own attorney, and 
speaking in an angry tone]. Is tiiis consultation going to last all night? 
[Mr. Sheephead and Miss Talker immediately separate and eye each other 
angrily.] 

Miss Talker [in an excited manner to Mrs. Morose]. Madam, I fear 
we can never come to any settlement ; the opprobrious language of the 
attorney on the other side has onl}' caused me to be more resolute. 

Mr. Sheephead [in an excited manner to Mr. Green], Green, I am 
afraid no compromise is possible. Any concession to an attorney who 



27 

slanders me as this woman has done, would be an outrage on my self- 
respect. 

Mr. Green and Mrs. Morose. . Well, what's to be done? 

{Mr. Sheephead and Miss Talker seem to he puzzled. 1 

Mr. Sheephead. Give me one more opportunity, and if that fails, 
the case must be carried to court. 

Mr. Green. I — I con — sent. 

Mrs. Morose. I agree, provided the consultation lasts no longer than 
fifteen minutes. 

Mr. Sheephead. Very well. 

\Exeunt Mr. Green and Mrs. Morose. Opposite doors,\ 

Mr. Sheephead [whistling and fanning himself with a handkerchief}. 
That was a pretty narrow escape. There's a great difterence between 
business in court and courting business. In speaking of Cupid's 
arrows of love, I had entirely forgotten about Blackstone's canons of 
law. Dearest, how shall we dispose of this bothersome lawsuit? 

Mss Talker. I have a proposition to make, which, 1 am sure, will 
meet with your approval. We will compromise the case on $12,000, 
and keep the money ourselves. 

Mr. Sheephead. That is impossible without being detected in the 
act. I have appropriated much money in my day, but it was always 
done in a strictly professional manner. 

Miss Talker. My dear Mr. Sheephead, nothing is impossible in the 
code of legal ethics. Listen to me, and I will explain how we can 
elude the strictest vigilance. I will inform my client that after a 
thorough examination of the latest authorities, I find that your client 
is fully entitled to recover the sum of at least $20,000, and that the 
only concession which you will make is this, namely, that Miss May 
Morose must marry Mr. Green and pay him $12,000 in addition. I 
will further inform her that the money must be paid directly to me, and 
that, owing to the extreme sensitiveness of Mr. Grefen on that point, 
she must swear never to speak to him concerning the payment of the 
money. You must then persuade Mr. Green to marry Miss May 
Morose by inducing him to believe that there is no possibility of his 
recovering any damages. The money which I have thus acquired we 
will appropriate to our own use, but, of course, in a strictly profes- 
sional way. 

Mr. Sheephead. That's a capital idea. It is worthy of the shrewdest 
lawyer that ever breathed in the most vitiated atmosphere of the law. 

Miss Talker. Let us proceed at once. I will go into the drawing- 
room and inform Mr. Green of your desire to speak with him. When 
you have finished, stamp your foot on the floor as you leave this room, 
and instantly my victims and myself will appear. 

\_Exit Miss Talker. Eight door.} 

Mr. Sheephead. Charming Miss Talker ! How the deuce could I 
ever have called her such wicked names ? If I had only not fallen into 
that very serious error of holding myself out as a married man, this 
dispute might have been long since brought to an end. — But to carry 
out my part of this ingenious programme. Let me see what shall I do 
to deceive Green. Ah ! I have it. [He kneels down, opens all the law- 
books which are lying on the floor and spreads them all over the floor, 



28 

chairs and tables, and then runs his hands through his hair so as to give 
himself the a^ipearance of a hard student.] Now, then, for Uie coming 
conflict ! It' 1 do not succeed in making Green believe that I have 
been sedulously studying this law question, he certainly must believe 
that I've been engaging in a fierce combat in his behalf. 

{Enter Mb. Green. Right door.] 

Mr. Green. We — well, how — how have you — you dis — discharged 
your du — duty? 

Mr. Sheephead [vivaciously]. Duty ! Was there ever a man in this 
broad universe who more conscientiously protected and defended the 
interests of his clients ? Cast your eyes around this room, look gently 
upon this battle-tield [pointing to his head], and tell me candidly if you 
ever saw stronger external evidence of internal volcanic disturbances 
of an attorney's brain? Why, my dear sir, this room is literally 
deluged with law-books, and my brain is so impregnated with legal 
principles that even now methinks I see the resurrected skeletons of 
Coke and Littleton hovering above me. 

Mr. Green. We — well, what's the— the result? 

Mr. Sheephead. The conclusion at which I have arrived is not at all 
satisfactory. The law is decidedly in favor of the other side. 

Mr. Green [surprised]. Wh — why, you to — told me yes — terday 
tha — that I would be — be sure to ga — gain this case. 

Mr. Sheephead [brusquely]. Not at all, not at all, sir. You are 
learning to pervert facts quite early in your career. I have merely 
been striving to impress upon you, as a student of the law, the importance 
of always thinking a recovery possible, until you have positive assur- 
ance to the contrary. Now, I find upon an examination of the latest 
writers that you have no case whatever, hence it behooves me as an 
honorable attorney to advise you to abandon your suit and save the 
costs. An ordinary pettifogger would urge you to carry this case to 
court, and after you had lost it, he would demand a fee of $250. I, 
however, not haying the moral courage to do violence to my sense of 
duty, advise you at once to abandon the suit, and charge you only $100 
for my advice. 

Mr. Green [angrily]. I — I'm not to — to be tri — fled with in— in this 
wa — wa)\ [Makes a motion as if to stam}) his foot.] 

Mr. Sheephead. My dear boy, don't dare to stamp your foot on this 
floor. I have private information, from the most reliable source, that 
this house belongs to a row of contract houses, and the flooring is par- 
ticularly flimsy. One enraged stamp of your foot might be the death 
of a dozen people. 

Mr. Green [angrily] . I re — repeat, tha — that I'm not to be tri — trifled 
with. I — I mu — must have the — the money or the — the girl. 

Mr. Sheephead. Take my advice and you shall have both. May 
Morose is worth $25,000. The money is invested in stocks and bonds. 
These investments are all sound ; there's not a Virginia bond among 
them. Now, we propose that you should marry Miss May and abandon 
this suit. [Smiling] — You know you still love her, you rascal, you ! 
[Solemnly] — And I know what love is. 

Mr. Green. I — I ha — have always be — been willing to — to mar — ry 
her, bu — but sh — she re — refuses to marry m — me. 

Mr, Sheephead. Follow nie, and you shall see that she will yield, 
after Miss Talker's persuasion. [He stamps his foot.] 

[Exeunt, right door,] 



29 

Enter Miss Talker, Mrs. Morose and Miss May Morose. 

Miss Talker [speaking while entering\ . After very serious reflection, 
madam, I am forced to conclude that the plaintiff, Mr. Green, is fully 
entitled, by law, to recover every cent of $20,000. 

Mrs. Morose [surprised]. Did you not tell me last week that Mr. 
Green could not possibly recover any damages ? 

Miss Talker. Exactly so, madam. You see, the law is a peculiar 
science, and those who are uninitiated in its mysteries are apt to think 
that lawyers contradict themselves. But you may rest assured, 
madam, that my seeming inconsistencies aftbrd the best possible evi- 
dence of the zeal and fervor, the diligence and earnestness with which 
I have applied myself in endeavoring to solve this legal problem. Let 
me explain the matter more clearly. Law is the most progressive of 
sciences. So rapid indeed is its development that it never stands still, 
not even for a day. For example, last week the authorities held, 
beyond all doubt, that your daughter would not be liable under the cir- 
cumstances presented by this case, but upon investigating the best 
law reports (just issued to-day), I find that the best authorities hold 
that your daughter is liable. 

Mrs. Morose. Well, what's to be done in the matter? She can't 
aftord to lose her fortune for such a trifling otiense. 

Miss Talker. Mrs. Morose, your daughter committed a very indis- 
creet act, and it was with the greatest difliculty that I could come to 
any understanding whatever. Mr. Sheephead is well aware that he is 
entitled to the full amount which he seeks to recover. I resorted to 
every kind of finesse to dissuade him from this belief, but all to no pur- 
pose. Finally he consented to compromise the case on $12,000, pro- 
vided Miss May would, in addition, consent to marry Mr. Green. Now, 
madam, I think that is a just and equitable arrangement. You see 
your daughter loses nothing by the operation, for the money is kept in 
the family. 

M7-S. Morose. I certainly detest that fellow Green — [meditating]^ but 
I suppose it's more practical to have an abominable son-in-law than to 
lose $20,000. 

Miss Talker. Unquestionably, madam. You see in receiving an 
objectionable son-in-law into the family, you only submit to an annoy- 
ance almost universally complained of by parents, now-a-days. Indeed, 
it is a thing which occurs so frequently that it will soon become the 
fashion in aristocratic circles. The compromise which I have eftected 
is, I assure you, a coup d'etat wortliy of Bismarck himself. 

Miss May Morose [pertly]. But, ma, suppose I spoil this Bismarckian 
stroke of diplomacy, by refusing to marry Mr. Green ? 

Miss Talker [aside]. Great goodness! we're lost ! [To Miss May 
Morose] — Now, my dear young girl, you know you love this young 
man to distraction, you know that you have been very unhappy ever 
since you began to quarrel with him — [solemnly]^ and I know what it is 
to abuse a man whom one loves. Do not be ashamed to confess it ; I 
heartily sympathize with you. Confide in me ; tell me, do you not 
love him still? 

Miss May M. [very shyly]. Well — yes. 

Miss Talker. Would you marry him if you thought he was madly 
and desperately in love with you? 

Miss May M. [very shyly] . Well — yes. 



30 

Miss Talker. Then you shall both be happy. I forgot, however, 
to mention one very important matter. You must both solemnly 
swear never to make any allusion to this compromise in the presence of 
Mr. Green, neither before nor after the marriage. Indeed, he has 
brooded so much over this aflair that his brain has become slightly 
aftected, and the doctor has repeatedly warned Mr. Sheephead that any 
allusion whatever to this suit might produce total insanity. 

Mrs. Morose and Miss May M. [solemnly]. We swear it ! 

Miss May M. Tliat's an easy task, now that the money is to remain 
in the family. 

Enter Mr. Sheephead and Mr. Green. [Right door.} 

Mr. Sheephead [speaking tvhile standing near the door] . Brace up ! 
Don't appear as though all the love was squeezed out of you! Have 
some sentiment about you ! If you meet her looking like a lump of ice, 
you will be sure to extinguish [pathetically] the flickering flame of love 
still burning in her wounded breast. Don't stand there like a stick, I 
tell you ! If I only had a galvanic battery here, I'd put some life into 
that lazy frame of yours. 

Mr. Green [running timidly to meet Miss May M. and embracing 
her]. M — my de— dear M — May, if you'll on — only foi- — forgive me 
th— this ti — time, I — I'll ne — never su — sue you a — again. 

Miss May M. And if you will only forgive me this time, I'll never 
promise to marry any one again. 

Enter Dr. Brosius. [Centre door.] 

Dr. Brosius [to Mr. Green] . Hello ! what's the meaning of this ? 

Miss May M. Doctor, it's all settled — we are going to be married. 

Dr. Brosius [to Mr. Green]. I'm very glad of that. Green, for I just 
came to tell you that I've been seriously thinking over that little private 
business of ours, and while I would very much like to have testitied for 
you, I found the stretch of conscience too great. 

Mr. Sheephead. Now that our clients are happily united, let me 
announce [ taking Miss Talker's hand] the engagement of their respec- 
tive attorneys. 

Mr. Green [in utter amazement^ to Miss Talker]. Wh — what, are 
you — you go — going to — to mar — marry th — the man whom yo — you 
ca — called a " petti— fogu — li — lizing id — idiot "? 

Miss Talker [to Mr. Green] . That, my dear sir, was a mere profes- 
sional utterance, and like all statements made by the profession, it was 
not strictly true. 

Mr. Green [to Mr. Sheephead]. An — and are you — you go — going 
to — to mar — ry th — the wo — woman wh — whom you ca — called a 
'' heart — heartless bru — brute "? 

Mr. Sheephead [to Mr. Green]. That, my dear sir, was a mere 
professional utterance, and like all statements made by the profession, 
it was not strictly true. [Turning to the audience] — And now, ladies 
and gentlemen, if you have any ante-nuptial or post-nuptial contro- 
versies, or if you wish to contract any mortgage loans, marriages, or 
other incumbrances, we cordiall\ invite you, one and all, to call at the 
office of Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Alonzo Blunderbuss Sheephead, 
Attorneys-at-law, 7 J Court street, Boston, Mass. [Curtain falls. 

FINIS. 



